For Rebecca strayed from Sunnybrook Farm
stumbled into the lonely distemperate

I torture myself.
Filling capsules with oregano oil. I am fragrant. Like an Italian restaurant.
I drink Kombucha and learn the gal who told me how to make it ... is dyslexic.
oh meo mio.
I am going after the fungus on my toes, in my blood.
I feel my reticence to write those blocks now known as anger.
I allow the hint that acknowledging anger will begin to move it.
I have past been instructed to use it.
I stumble bumbled through a childhood of seasons violent ugly and destructive, frightening.
In one book a fellow describes his past urgent mental state as
one whereby he was afraid to breathe for fear of disturbing molecules.
That was me when I was a child.
A stage for healing was the holotropic breathing;learning how to breathe at 36.
21 years ago.
Transforming the powerlessness by reading.
Offering my own version of POLLYANNA.
I am so angry.
I have yet to cry again. I've cried lots and lots in the past.
A powerless feeling.
I ask myself how best to release the anger...
my models have me throwing knives and holding onto guns.
My models have me drunk.
My models have me humiliating those around me.
My models steal my presents and tear up my toys.

Yes, I do do things the hard way. I had those models.

Tearfully, my children ask me: "Why did our friend kill himself?

"Without thinking I reply: "He was feeling the depths of despair; he didn't know things change."

A most active contribution toward things changing is looking at things in other ways.
Certainly not according to the telly or the journals.
I go without a telly. I love music, yet, tonight I have no background but
the drip of the drooping gutter.
It rained today.

I have the Medicine Woman Tarot.ISBN: 0-88079-419-4U.S. Games Systems, Inc.
With this deck, I look at the world with different eyes.
The interpretations I can handle.
Another perspective.
For example: the three of swords has bothered me,
I see those swords piercing a heart in the clouds and I know that.
I don't want that. I feel wounded.

A interpretation from an older text for the Ryder Waite deck is:
dispersion, rupture, absence, delay.

The Medicine Woman deck says: Listen to your heart

.and I shift.
I do not stay where it feels lonely, inept,
challenging to smile kind of day or night or year or weekend.

I value the Ryder Waite deck.
I expand my perspective.

Without permission I ask the Medicine Woman deck for just one card to relay any message for your dark night of the soul and I get: VISION number 12
the Ryder Deck has this # as the HANGED MAN. the interpretation is
TAKE A COMPLETE TIME OUT.
YOU ARE GOING TO SEE YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE IN A WHOLE NEW WAY.
DO NOT DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU DO.
A GREAT INSPIRATION IS COMING.

the Ryder deck gave the Magician and if I could email this upside down I would.
for it is upside down.
If I were to snail mail this I would write it upside down.
THE MAGICIAN has all the tools.

Now I release myself from this meandering and give myself a coffee enema.
warning!... one can be poisoned by coffee enemas be gentle here.
very little to do the trick.

Do not be afraid make friends with the bullies... we all want love, ok most of us.June