I got home around 4 this morning..
baby sat for Christine's Annabella and Giovonni.
Took the check to Jack.
Took him Sandy's air pump for his bicycle repair.
Walked to the second main room to turn off lights and
found the floor covered in Vomit.
Adult vomit. No child could hold such a mess.
Went into the bathroom to discover the toilet seat covered in
vomit.

Told Jack about the mess and he told me about
babysitting for Melissa and she still wasn't back.
Then I went upstairs to Melissa and Mikhaela and Teon's bedroom
to discover Melissa in bed with Teon sitting in the bed.
"get downstairs and clean up your mess"

"No. I don't feel good.
I need sleep."
that girl ALWAYS NEEDS HER SLEEP

"You did this to yourself... what of the
person who -- in the middle of the night -- sits on that toilet?"

excuse me but any of us who has had this terrible experience
of consuming mass qualities of garbage and has had the need to
vomit mass quantities of vomit knows the best thing to do is
clean it immediately for the smell can inspire vomit from
many others... and the smell can linger ...

I do resort to magical thinking...

I answer my prayers by imagining this life Melissa offers her
little children... will inspire a different life.
this life resembles my young self. recalling how difficult it was
to motivate to learn to clean... always nervous while mommy and daddy
fought and fucked and while they
recovered from their fighting and fucking
and we four kids learned to make meals.
And I didn't invite other kids over because I was so ashamed
of the way we lived. The dirt and disorder.
Certain that almighty god had made a mistake (or the hospital)
for certain that the way we lived was never intended by a creator
who surely saw that love was stronger than hatred,
loving words stronger than tauts, that grass was easier on knees than
concrete, that moonlight held more fragrance
than electric lights (and there was no bill).

Where are my grandchildren?

Yesterday I went over and made them spaghetti for before we
went to the park to swim.
When Melissa finally emerged... she took a package of mushrooms
and cooked them up -- for herself. What plan for the kids?
I took the sauce for the spaghetti.
After swimming, I heated up some frozen french fry thing-ees.

The dishes from the previous week were still in the drain.
I empty the trash every time I go over.
The clothes are in a heap in the bathroom.

I recall a friend telling me of a little girl whose Aunt came over to the house
and found her sister passed out and the little toddler taking care of herself.
The Aunt called the Police. The sister did time.

I wish I had called the Police. I didn't
I called Family Advocates. I called Child Abuse hotline.
the children were put to bed in wet beds from the previous who knows how long...
and the mother had a washer and dryer. The mother had a mother (Me) who
came over and did up to 40 loads of wash.
The mother had a mother (Me) who came over and filled the
dumpster with 40 bags of trash the daughter/mother couldn't be bothered
to carry 40 feet from her front door.

All this wasted time. All this beautiful waste.
I remember all the times I shunted aside my own life for this
little girl. 18 and pregnant.

I was in San Rafael where the mountains and ocean meet the sunshine and sky;
A wonderful woman had been my hostess. She needed someone to stay with her.
Be paid to live in that beautiful place?! with a generous, sensitive, funny,
educated woman -- 85. Mona had such grace. Oh dear she was going to need someone
soon June and yet, my 18 year old daughter who didn't yet know how to take care of
herself was soon to have a baby... I returned to Indiana.

Wish I'd stayed with Mona. She was so easy to spend time with.
Yes the sunshine and ocean and mountains were easy too.