I am 57

this past week roller-bladed about 2 miles on the Monon Trail.

there and back to the house B bought.
checking it out. change of pace.

oh dear. yes it is hot and humid here
and yet, my imagination tells me the days in Brasil
helped me adapt. I know I can be hot and sweat pour off me... and be happy.

I am in air/conditioning.
I don't like the noise. I would sweat to not hear the constant rumble of
the air modified by this gizmo that has the tomatos leaning far away
from the a/c unit outside the dining room window.

I went as far as around the block on the bike.
I don't know how the Princess of the Princess and the Pea felt
I do identify with her when riding this bike.

Charles gave me the bike in exchange for an emergency first aid kit
when the now defunct Bicycle Action Project was around the corner.
It is a Schwinn... an 11 year old girls dream (1950's)
Nothing fancy. Simply a joy to ride. Easy. Comfortable.
I left it on the porch
back when I lived between Delaware and Alabama in Indiana.
Back when I lived between the liquor store and the detox center.
Back when I lived across the street from the magnet guy
and around the corner from the de-magnetize guy.
I left it on the porch. Got sidetracked by a phone call.
Went outside to finish my riding and
the Schwinn had ridden into the sunset.

Fifteen years later, I spy a similar bike at my friends house.
I told her it was just like the bike I used to own.
She tells me she bought it from a guy on tenth street for $10
ten at least years ago.

My front porch was on tenth street. Between the liquor store and the detox center.

Anyway I get on the bike today to ride. Finally. I'd been ignoring my inner voice
saying this is what you need-- you need to walk bike blade sweat
pray and be in nature. Finally I take the bike out. The bike that has
enjoyed renewal and retooling, rebooting so to speak what with the new
tire on the back.

Alas. Something is happening with the rear tire on the back
feels like a bumpy road on a smooth road.
Not enjoyable. The seat pitches me forward and spreads my butt cheecks.
I don't like it. The saggy shadow has enough to contend with -- Gravity.

Bummmity bukmpity bummmity, on the newly paved 37th Street.
no go. I begin to wonder if this is what the Princess of the Princess and the Pea
contended with. Just no wonder. June Know. Yep that archetype too.
I like to swim although some wouldn't call it swimming.
I like to bike although some wouldn't call it biking.
I threw my main bike in the garbage, when, after many modifications and
hundreds of dollars spent on it -- it still didn't perform near what I assumed
was the point of the investment. Although my investment didn't come near
to matching what is possible to spend.

In the world of bicycles.
I am on the bottom rung of Mazlow's heirarchy.

That leaves blading and swimming.

the 'too cute' baby animal email arrived

the day after I removed the smelly puffed and dead
mouse from the cupboard...
Have I lived so long that Everything seems to be quickly
apparent to me -- the eyes in the sky see everything
and comments? votes, judges, gambles, plots, scripts,

Has been going on so long. Seems to me a dose of
magical elixir is deserved....

how many people do you know
been to Amsterdam and didn't smoke pot.
been to Key West and didn't get laid.
lord I am so boring.

Recently listening to Diane Reem on her NPR morning show
I heard a quote attributed to Lord Byron: 'The most dangerous friends
are those who expect great things from you'...

and good golly there is that feeling... some of those feelings I miss.
messages from all around including folks who have claimed to know me
and I don't recall them at all..

back to baby animals.
lord. those sweet little darlings
I suppose I deserve it... you wouldn't have missed
the stamp you got from me had a Beaver on it.
Dear god in heaven... the best dam builder in America.

There must be a slew of mice here. I have gotten six in traps... after
I finally said: ok you guys find another home or this is what happens.
shit. I identify with mice and dolphins and ask god to be aware and grateful
I have seen, smelled, tasted, touched, been touched by such design, beauty, abundance.
Heard such beauty? not so sure that block isn't why
I (and ancestors) have hearing problems, passages clogged with wax

sin cera
meaning without wax
meaning this artist didn't have to plug and plane the mistaken chips
meaning my artist put an abundance of wax in these ears
blocking sounds overpowering the whispers of
birdsong, whale song, mothers call,

When ya build something sensitive, how to protect it?

Ignorance is bless... damn / bless

Once upon a time I explained to a fellow that I sin cerely wanted
to teach teachers Empathy and he in turn, exclaimed:
"My God, that would kill them."

Pull me back. My smile turned into a big Emmett Kelly.
Big and upside down. Seems, could be, monkey
mind is at it again,
every and any ole thing can go any old diddly do space/place

merging love and hate into a new light energy
oops. there goes monkey mind again.

Four batches of Kombacha growing in the closet.
I drink my Kombacha from the biggest wine glass here.
and am considering my tea-totaling as leaving behind a resource
toward a certain spiritual purge.

a glass of red wine certainly provokes the
tidying
end of a worthwhile days efforts.

new moon ceremony July 24 or 25.

if you are in the vacinity... I have a cell phone now...
317-918-1871
signing off, slightly off, and still dusting to do...
be well, j

may you have faith in your worth

and may you act with wisdom...
walked in do-do yesterday.
walked in do-do what to say...
no better. know better.
upset and anguished.
would like to push the guilt onto another
all others
could I write about how well this fellow
makes others look bad... and what a couple we be.
for I too am accomplished at drawing forth from another side-tracked misbehaviors
on the heirarchy of struggles to evolve/devolve.

how could one forget... if ya can't say anything nice about someone
don't say anything at all.
oh meo mio.
elevate
estimate the greased pole
give em a boost. what a goose.

have faith in your worth.
have faith in others.

very nice to be so busy

I don't get to the page to write
Days of remember all you did
back from the yard which has corn growing and tomatos
and cayenne, stevia, St Johns Wort,
back on rollerblades encouraged by Anna to travel on the Monon Trail
a mile and back. Crossing the streets heard me yelping: "I'm grandma!"
Lots of rain headed here. Dumped here.
makes weeding easy
auditions for July 23 are not for a play but a film.
oy vey... I haven't seen myself on video much nor for a long time.

karmic courage

Karmic Courage is the name of the production company
auditioning for LOSS, July 23 at Starbucks.
I am encouraged to attend. Karmic Courage... I sure hope to have some of that since
honest to gods and goddesses I have been mightily blessed. Often times.

I have seen three shows this weekend. An exercise I granted myself in my
part time job of showing young Ferran around town's theatre.
Our Phenix staged SUGARBEAN SISTERS, an amazing peculiar and highly entertaining
show with excellent acting all around. We loved SUGARBEAN SISTERS.
Then there was Theatre on the Square production of MOONLIGHT AND MAGNOLIAS
which once again had us thrilled to have gone into the threater on this hot sunny day.
How to describe this play? Smile away. Excellent excellent, thank you thank you.

Three makes PETER PAN with a cast of about 50 == lots of kids. oh my.
I had my 3 year old and 9 year old with me. The nine year old wants to take acting classes and
get back on stage. The 3 year old wanted in the orchestra pit.

Karmic Courage. Could I attend the audition for Karmic Courages' production of
LOSS. It happens July 23 at Starbucks. loverly.
Inspired by the idea Acting can fulfill some karmic situational requirements.
Act it out. Permission. I recall watching Sally Field in SOAP; I envied her
being able to ACT LIKE THAT!? and get paid. woow. what a job. Wouldn't I have loved to.
Get paid. As well as ACT LIKE THAT?!

Loss. allow grief. acknowledge grief, let it go.
I'm so slow. later ,,, let ya know later.

conflict and control... for reference and from loving pure love

Conflict ----------------------------------------------------------Individual perceptions. Many of the difficulties and disagreements we have with other people are based on the highly individual nature of our perceptions. Addicted to conflict. If you are addicted to conflict then this will be evident by the battlefield you find yourself in. If you prefer to choose harmony, then the pleasure will be all yours. Self attack. The more a person attacks, the more he needs understanding and the more you should reach out and reassure him. When somebody is attacking another, they are really attacking themselves . . . their fears, their guilt, their own perception of powerlessness. Expressed anger. In many cases, anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone feel guilty. Mind your own business. Work only on your own growth and let your partner take responsibility for their own growth, or lack of it. Addictive reactions. It is usually your partner's addictive demands that are the immediate practical cause of their separating emotions, not the things you say or do. Practice letting go. Your trust in the power of unconditional love increases as you use the challenging sparks of your disagreements to practice letting go of addictive demands. Avoid pointing out another's addictions. Don't play teacher by working on your partner's head. Avoid your ego's tendency to tell your partner how "wrong" they are. Pinpoint specific emotions and addictions YOU are experiencing. Remember also to use "I" language, such as "I felt angry when you . . . ," instead of "You made me angry when . . ." Meeting of minds. Disagreeing is a way of thinking. The opposite of disagreeing is understanding. Disagreeing involves comparing your old thinking to what is being said. Understanding involves looking for the new in what's being said. When you act out the thought process of disagreeing, you argue. When you act out the thought process of understanding, you become more intimate and attain a meeting of minds. Tenacious warriors. Divorce for a "things" orientated person becomes a battleground in which they feel the need to prove themselves the most tenacious warrior by getting as many things as possible. Those with a dollar-orientated personality find it becoming the master of their life. Great expectations. Conflict originates when you expect the world to be the way you want it to be and you find yourself upset because things aren't going the way you want them to go, or as they used to go, or even worse, how you insist they go. What are you trying to prove? You will eliminate conflict and confrontation as you begin to find it unnecessary to prove yourself to anyone. Defensive reinforcement. When people's attitudes are attacked head-on, they are likely to defend those attitudes, and in the process, reinforce them. So clearly, it is wiser to reinforce a positive attitude rather than attack a negative one. Simple misunderstanding. All disagreements are results of misunderstanding someone else's level of consciousness. This is why other people seem "wrong" when their perspective on life doesn't match your own. All of us are at different levels of understanding and growth. When you become aware of these differences and are able to allow and accept them, you have raised yourself to a higher level of consciousness. Domination. Conflict is the workplace of the ego. When you obey the ego's need to dominate others, you are guaranteeing the emergence of conflict. The addictive demands of the ego convinces you of your need to win the conflict in order to prove your superiority. Acting in a controlling manner may provide brief episodes of ego-gratifying experience, but these episodes cannot lead you to a more satisfying, purposeful way of life. Your relationships will always suffer and you will feel a sense of emptiness and being "off purpose" as long as you habitually react to addictive demands of the ego. It's not all bad news. There are around six billion people on this planet. Around three million are at war with each other. Only three million out of a population of six billion. That means there are over 5.99 billion who are not at war. That's a hopeful statistic that our ego's (and those of the media), do not want us to consider. The collective ego consciousness of the planet strives to keep the populace nervously on the edge with fearful reminders of how the world is out to get them. It's a mind-set of "Us versus Them." This ego viewpoint not only reinforces the insane escalation of ways to kill each other, but is also responsible for most of our social problems. A friend from 23 years ago...
the daughter I used to play with...
me on the ground
legs in the air
with a fairly large wee one
giggling so much my oldest daughter said:
"mom I can't wait to have a baby so you can play with it"
She still isn't a mama.

My friend's daughter is in Indy for a year.
Staying with Abuela's ...
asked me to introduce her to theatre here.

I have seen three shows this weekend. All quite fine.
excellent professionalism, portrayals,
my goodness. I'm reminded of my often response to theatre here in Indy.
Excellent. There is lots of talent in town.

trash and tech

The response to the letter telling me I'd be fined $2,500 if I didn't clean my yard.
yipes.

Dear Ms. Landers,

I remember as a little girl about a mile from here a fastidious neighbor who cleaned her garbage pail and dumped the dirty water in the sewer weekly. She was told by the city to stop or be fined. We were all mostly amazed or appalled. Who objected?
I'm the beighbor who cleans trash frrom the streets every day. I'm the neighbor who sweeps up the broken glass from the street. I'm also the neighbor who has an unruly and yet gorgeous yard attracting both btterflies and hummingbirds in the summer. In this ard I grow: Mexican sunflowers, Russian sunflowers, all kinds of sunflowers, cannas, cosmos, peaches, plums, raspberries, black raspberries, strawberries, gooseberries, peppermint, lemon mint, catnip, chocolate mint, pineapple mint, sage, lavender, roses, roses, roses, roses, curly willow and puss willow, calendula, butterfly weed, garlic, primrose, echinecea, and the occasional burdock... as well as a Kentucky coffee tree and catalpa.
Many of these are known as volunteers, Mother Nature is incredibly generous and bountiful when we leave her alone or help her along here in the fertile Midwest which 'progress' sees fit to cover with a city's asphalt.
The very first piece of trash I noted in the yard when I moved in was an nnounceent to Tech High School students regarding complaints from the neighborhood about students trash. That's appropriate for a floundering school system... give the students another piece of trash. Sadly, there are 'dumpsters' only fifty feet away in most instances. Very little notion of using them and keeping our streets clean. I've found unopened bottles of beer in my yard. I don't drink beer.
Unless you are over forty, I imagine you think coke hasalways come in cans. Most of the trash blowing in the wind wasn't even invented twenty or thirty years ago. Plastic jugs were unknown, plastic bags unthought of, styrofoam isjust bizarre junk. Throw-away diapers? A nation of consumers. Just tody with the wind blowing heavily, I cleaned up the side of the house three times. This lifestyle cannot continue. This lifestyle will not continue. What are we leaving to and for our children?
Read Studs Turkel's WORKING, one of the folks he profiles is a gargagemen from Chicago who states that in '53 he picked up the garbage for 70+ streets weekly, and by the early seventies he was picking up under twenty streets a week because of packaging. (Let alone the jobs lost due to replacing store clerks with
pre-packaged items.) Dear Ms. Landers, it's gotten worse.
In the fifties a 'junk man' cam down the alley in ahorse drawn cart once a week to pick up newspapers, rags, cans, glass; he made a living. My mother threw out onehalf can of trash a week. My mother had four children. I am a single person and throw out more than that each day! I throw it into a 'dumpster' that challenges my imagination as a homeeconomist. Somebody made a lot of money selling a jerk scheme to the city.
When our mayor was elected I wrote asking this be looked into and reconsidered. I pictured his little mother walking through my muddy alley, lifting the heavy lid on the dumpster and depositing her trash. White trash neighborhood. These people are not stupid; most want to do their part. Most would sort the trash.
I suggested some kind of recycling effort instead of this wasteful dumpster situation where people come into the neighborhood from around the county to dump their shingles, tires, tree triming, etc. This is not small scale. Soemtimes trucks loaded down come into the alley filling each dumpster in turn. The Mayor's office never acknoedged nor responded to my letter.
Perhaps you could write a grant proposal whereby you could get a trip to Santa Rosa, California, or Portland, Oregon where I know they had intelligent working recycling/trash programs. When I first began researching these problems twelve years ago with the birht of th eToxic Action Proect I learned Milan, Italy had program in effect which removed the old egg shell for use. Now that's a trip worth going after.
Indianapolis is joked about for 'things and ideas' getting to us 25-100 years after the rest of the country. I don't know we have that long to get wise. I don't know about your job and what you can do to clean up the city when we have a city counsel led by a man whose lifestyle 99% of us couldn't touch if we won the lottery.
I have an across the alley neighbor who suggested I leave the back door open and he'd come over and 'help me out' early some morning, grabbed my breasts, and told me not to call him when his wife was home, and was the door before I could gather my wits. So excuse me if I prefer to create a natural burdock barrier between that door and the alley.
Welcome, come take another look at the yard. I will not cut down my raspberries or rose of Sharon or sage or wild clematis. I will leave the milkweed as food for the monarch butterly farvae which once migrated through here using Brookside Park... they stopped at one Tulip tree that has since been cut... I havne't seen them migrate from decades now.
I hope our species is willing to adapt to the changes that are the only thing I am sure of. Things change; if not today, tomorrow. I pray the changes are humane, generous, peaceful, intelligent and joyful and full of soul redemption.
Sincerely.