For Rebecca strayed from Sunnybrook Farm
stumbled into the lonely distemperate

I torture myself.
Filling capsules with oregano oil. I am fragrant. Like an Italian restaurant.
I drink Kombucha and learn the gal who told me how to make it ... is dyslexic.
oh meo mio.
I am going after the fungus on my toes, in my blood.
I feel my reticence to write those blocks now known as anger.
I allow the hint that acknowledging anger will begin to move it.
I have past been instructed to use it.
I stumble bumbled through a childhood of seasons violent ugly and destructive, frightening.
In one book a fellow describes his past urgent mental state as
one whereby he was afraid to breathe for fear of disturbing molecules.
That was me when I was a child.
A stage for healing was the holotropic breathing;learning how to breathe at 36.
21 years ago.
Transforming the powerlessness by reading.
Offering my own version of POLLYANNA.
I am so angry.
I have yet to cry again. I've cried lots and lots in the past.
A powerless feeling.
I ask myself how best to release the anger...
my models have me throwing knives and holding onto guns.
My models have me drunk.
My models have me humiliating those around me.
My models steal my presents and tear up my toys.

Yes, I do do things the hard way. I had those models.

Tearfully, my children ask me: "Why did our friend kill himself?

"Without thinking I reply: "He was feeling the depths of despair; he didn't know things change."

A most active contribution toward things changing is looking at things in other ways.
Certainly not according to the telly or the journals.
I go without a telly. I love music, yet, tonight I have no background but
the drip of the drooping gutter.
It rained today.

I have the Medicine Woman Tarot.ISBN: 0-88079-419-4U.S. Games Systems, Inc.
With this deck, I look at the world with different eyes.
The interpretations I can handle.
Another perspective.
For example: the three of swords has bothered me,
I see those swords piercing a heart in the clouds and I know that.
I don't want that. I feel wounded.

A interpretation from an older text for the Ryder Waite deck is:
dispersion, rupture, absence, delay.

The Medicine Woman deck says: Listen to your heart

.and I shift.
I do not stay where it feels lonely, inept,
challenging to smile kind of day or night or year or weekend.

I value the Ryder Waite deck.
I expand my perspective.

Without permission I ask the Medicine Woman deck for just one card to relay any message for your dark night of the soul and I get: VISION number 12
the Ryder Deck has this # as the HANGED MAN. the interpretation is
TAKE A COMPLETE TIME OUT.
YOU ARE GOING TO SEE YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE IN A WHOLE NEW WAY.
DO NOT DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU DO.
A GREAT INSPIRATION IS COMING.

the Ryder deck gave the Magician and if I could email this upside down I would.
for it is upside down.
If I were to snail mail this I would write it upside down.
THE MAGICIAN has all the tools.

Now I release myself from this meandering and give myself a coffee enema.
warning!... one can be poisoned by coffee enemas be gentle here.
very little to do the trick.

Do not be afraid make friends with the bullies... we all want love, ok most of us.June

It could be all the reading. Mayan history, as ancient and barbaric as
the past twenty years. Aztec history, as colorful as cayenne or
stalks of corn fashioned from gold I'm told adorned the majestic palaces
greeting the greedy conquerors. Toltecs are still prescribing.
Art is in the eye of the beholder.

Corn is gorgeous. I wish it was gold... better than gold.
You can survive eating it. Big grass. With golden hair.

Off all the vegetables, Corn is the prettiest to grow.
Soybeans are downright ugly.

Alright now, I have an inner teacher. I have met children who do not
know... strawberries grow. Rain comes from the sky and rivers.
Peas and spinach are spring crops. I have known adults thinking
the cans of veggies grow on trees.

In my small way here is a view of
what nature does/is.
an illustration of
what my ancestors did. I am old enough to remember
my great-grandmother standing in the back of an old truck
filled with strawberries she picked that morning --
grandpa was driving. She could call out: "Strawwwwwwwwwberrrrrriessssss"
to be heard a block away.

This crop came from a vacant lot next door to her sister's, My
great aunt Laura, they all saved for a cabin up north on the
Tippicanoe River near Monterey in the corner of three counties.

I suspect my brothers and sister would all agree it was one
of the better times of our young living.
Grandma and grandpa were
dears and entertaining.
I can not imagine at this time in
my life taking on the custody of four children.

We fished and learned embroidery. We watched Perry Mason.
We visited farmers. Swam in the Maxinkuckee.
Hunted arrowheads.

I wonder where one fishes these days.
Years ago a 'friend' took me fishing for my birthday.
A full moon May21st. lord.
He took me to a pay lake
across the street from the sewage treatment plant!
I was extremely disappointed.
When I stopped noticing the smell of worse than shit--
I had him take me home. My brain had been affected.
I couldn't smell worse than shit.
I caught the most catfish anyway. Moot point.
I can fish. I can also smell.
no way jose would I eat something that came from waters
across the street from all the toilet bowls in a city of almost
a million.

I did deep water fish in Long Island years ago
with a couple pals from Esalen. 40 miles from Manhattan;
The blue heron looked alive
and kicking. So I ate those fish. I live.

The corn is an expression of poetry for the earth.
I don't especially like it.
when you eat it on the cob sometimes the kernals
wind up across the table. It gets stuck in my teeth.
It is hard to digest which is why the toilet bowl is, well never
mind. (Proof of not chewing?)

the wall on 49th street; the exterior north facing wall of a brick
building on the corner of 49th and College Avenue in Indianapolis;
that wall once titled itself Anarchist Bookstore.
When I lived there off College Avenue and off 52nd Street...

I worked at the Post Office and was a student at the city University,
and didn't have any idea what Anarchist meant.
Looked close to Christ to me.
anyway...

the wall on 49th Street once displayed a 2 story high graffiti titled:
White Man's Law doesn't Stop Violence against Wombmen...
it was decorated with venus symbols and a warrior rune
other suggestions of strength and energy...

by the way... the warrior rune is the basis of the
peace symbol of the nuclear age...
the warrior/protection rune
in the peace symbol is upside down and enclosed.
yep...

we call the nuclear arms race an upside down
venture toward protection... for the protection is from ourselves
and we are all in this together... the protection enclosed
see it for what it is...

I never asked Racquel if she had help.
Like a Ladder?
She had a wealth of experience with this behavior;
encouraged by 'watchers'.

Now My Brother is working on that building.
Behind the wall.
Pray on it.
Wish on it. I wish we didn't need
laws against violence... I wish it was unthinkable and transformable;
and not nearly so entertaining.

And I am remembering a ring I once owned,
some relative gifted me with the ring.
a silver and tourquiese ring from the 50's southwest..
A relative's visit to the desert before the highway system and
before air-conditioning. Before Las Vegas.

After the Lost Dutchman's Mine. (a story of an uncle:
prospectors for gold thought this uncle had found the
famous Lost Dutchman's Mine... killed him for the map to it..
took the shack apart board by board and couldn't find the map.
The law found them)

It was pointed out to me the significance of the symbols on the ring...
A native american -- active in forestalling the demise of
her culture told me the ring was made by the tribe
which had no word for war or violence...

The Wall. I never took 49th Street before.
To get from College Avenue to Central Avenue going south...
I took 54th or 46th. This day I took 49th Street and there
standing on the corner consulting with other fellows
dressed for dirty work
sprucing and remodeling the old brick corner building
stood my brother.

I have boundaries. I haven't anything
to do with my brother for over a decades' time. be that as it may.
I parked the car. Crossed the street. Made eye contact & gave him
a hug. Traded contact information.
Saying easily: "don't go there."

Later on he surrendered his roost pork for my dinner.
Excellent. Barry always was a good cook.

Dear Lord there could be healing in that wall...
and it aches when we feel the pain leave. Breathe and smile.




Pray on it, wish on it... believe it? Love is stronger than _____________--
Love is all there really is...
sin cera love june

Jerome took me to the Indianapolis Art Museum where we stood on the glass floor held up by thousands of little plastic people... don't ya feel it? We are shouldering holding up something that we can't see, sell, smell, an entire culture depends on us.
Don't you feel it? I love it. The glass floor says so much to me.

Jerome took me the long way home.
There was a pictureques-nest about being chauffered in that big white Lincoln .
Winding roads lined with trees; The near westside.
I am not familiar with this neck of the winding roads.
I grew impatient.
He wanted to watch the sunset.
Sunset? There are clouds in the sky!

There were clouds everywhere.
Thick grey clouds blocking any color from a sunset.
Say what? ok.

I don't recall what we stumbled upon while scouting around-about off
38th street which is under construction.
It has been a dangerous, dirty and confusing time.
I am a seasoned driver. No little ol lady from Pasadena...
I drive to get there and allow for the car in front of meto have a blow-out.
Jerome didn't seem to know his way around this part of town either.

We got home.
I mention this because, Jerome, the other day when I was on my way
due west on 38th street. I walked to the store, familiarizing myself with the variety of businesses...(anticipating a community enlivened by a Parade on 38th street
when the years long construction -- the road refinishing is Finished)
It was sunset time.
It was cloudy.
I was looking at the clouds when a flash of lightening behind the clouds lit up the sky;
the lightening a backdrop to show red, and pink behind the clouds
along with the bolt from heavens above ... through the clouds .
thanks for suggesting I would see such a thing...
feel like one of those Indians on the shore while Columbus was in a ship...
but they couldn't see the ship cause they had never seen such a thing.

The sunset through clouds. wow.

Jerome took me to the Indianapolis Art Museum where we stood on the glass floor
held up by thousands of little plastic people...

The Bombshell.
Brigitte made an offer on a house and is moving...
I have been living with Brigitte.

"Drive by Brigitte, so I can see it".

I use the Ryder-Waite deck.
Phylliss Robling taught me (and many others here in Indianapolis)
She studied to the extent of learning Hebrew at the JCC here in Indy;
she knew what every symbol meant... wow. That's real. Hence her class was...
'The meaning and reading of Tarot cards'.

I already knew a lot.
Good Golly When I was wee, like 5 or 6,
my neighborhood worked together and made a little circus.
I was given a tent (probably made of blankets) and a deck of cards.
I was decked out in a scarf, necklace, lipstick, bandana, earrings; and, I was
told to tell fortunes. For a nickel I would tell you a fortune based on the
cards drawn from the deck. I took myself serious, and wonder to this
fifty+ years-away-day if Rodney Simpson had three children... or any children
at all, since he liked playing with dolls, which concerned the adults at that time.

Intro to Tarot.
I read my former husbands cards to law school.
I read lovers cards to outside Indiana.
Phylliss taught from a platform based on the astrological wheel.
The Houses:
1st house: I AM -Aries
2nd house: I HAVE -Taurus
3rd house: I THINK -GEMINI
4th house: I FEEL -CANCER
5th house: I WILL -LEO
6th house: I ANALYZE -VIRGO
7th house: I SHARE -LIBRA
8th house: I RELATE -SCORPIO
9th house: I SEE -SAGITTARIUS
10th house: I ACHIEVE -CAPRICORN
11th house: I KNOW -AQUARIUS
12th house: I BELIEVE -PISCES

The cards are laid out like the astrological wheel.
Begin with a circle. Horizontally draw line cutting the circle in half.
The first six cards/houses are below the line. The line begins
to the left of the circle. Cards 7-12 are above the line and they
begin on the right. You are making a counterclockwise parade with
the cards.

Sometimes when I look at this configuration of cards it is the
5th card and the 10th which attract my attention.
I will and I achieve.
This time I see stood out at me. #9 Was the 3 of swords.
It is three swords piercing a heart among clouds.
Sound familiar? Have you ever 'felt' like that? Like your
heart was walking around in pain? Stabbed?
I see.

I know I need to shift perspective
for the forthcoming move annoyed me. Imagine moving? I cleaned the
refrigerator over the weekend. I cleaned it so it wouldn't gross
me out when moving time came. There were things in there needed
to leave the house. There were sticky puddles of unknownable origin.
You know the things, don't you? Unidentifiable things.
Only Mr Refrigerator Man knows. And those things goes outside. whew.

By-The-By the bottom card carrys the foundation of
'where-is-the-reading-coming-from' and since it was a cup card I agreed to
an awareness -- it was about feelings.
I didn't feel good about the forthcoming move.
The 8 of cups shows a fellow walking away from 8 cups, walking stick in hand.
OK. Get ready for more feeling?
Shift feeling? Allow feeling?

Read on. 1st house shows an Ace of Pentacles, A hand holding a single
pentacle/coin/diamond/material. A beginning. I take it to mean the tools
are available.

2nd house gifts me the 6 of cups which shows a little boy and girl
in a courtyard with bouquets of flowers in the cups. The boy is handing
a cup of flowers to the girl. 6 is also the number of the Lovers card.
Besides all the lovely ideas associated with the Lovers --
is addiction and bondage. Breathe.
I feel I have a little girls notion of love to share, to note, to pass on.
What do those children in the courtyard know of betrayal?
We're not in Kansas anymore, ToTo.
Breathe. I have been loved, I have loved. I am a love. You are a love.
All there is is Love Love. Love is all there is.

3rd house instructs with the page of swords -- honor your words.
Since it is the I think card, an intention to shift all thinking
to an unsinkable and stable position of true belief & expression of:
"Love is all there is" Would help with the honor your words.
In here, is an opportunity to challenge myself & others whenever asked to
do something I don't want to do. I have been obliging beyond
self-enabling... I have been used when I wanted to be useful.
I have been used when I wanted to be included. I have been used when
I wanted to love.
My trust level is low.

I must feel pretty good. Bien. I feel, 4th is the STAR. Picture a naked
goddess, one foot in water the other foot on land. She holds two pitchers
and she pours both onto the ground! Under Stars. 7 small ones for
the chakras and the grand star over her head. Looks like an abundant
feeling. Enough to simple let it go back to the earth & pond.
It is a beautiful day, Monday June 26, 2006.
Everything is included... sun, clouds, rain; and in an agreeable share.
This day there was enough of all the weather for an Indiana June day.

Recall the cloudy sky of the I see card? Here on the 5th house card; Clouds.
The I will card is the 7 of cups. Oh boy, Oh joy, Oh dear never fear. The 7 of cups shows
a person looking at 7 cups in the clouds... it asks the reader to choose and
bring those cups to earth. Make manifest a dream. The cups show snake,
jewels, castle, love, accomplishment and dragon and a surprise.
Easy to have dreams in the sky. Easier still to apply -- FOCUS / Choose.
Make manifest a dream. It may be to step back and allow. A trust,
courage to trust. I can trust and accept. Bliss.

6th house, I analyze I am perfectly content with this 2 of swords... showing a blind-folded
gal with the 1st quarter moon and ocean in the background. Aim high above the
common thought. I haven't always. And yet, I am adept at this one.
Oft times. Although I stand accused of having something called aspergers...
I don't relate. The blindfold indicates to me a justification for my feelings
of being 'out of touch'; I credit that to 'Introduction to Marketing' and 1984 by
George Orwell; as well growing up in Indianapolis, a nest of John Birchers.
There are houses here built in the 50's to withstand The Bomb. oops.
The marketing showed me how we are Sold stuff we don't need. Is exasperating.
Like the I-69 highway the governor has sold for 3 billion dollars to give guys up north
jobs. I can see the highway workers, in 50 years telling their grandchildren what we used to have... as they plow through some fine land use and withering wildlife to build a highway
that is unnecessary except to save 15 minutes driving from Evansville to Indianapolis.
I can wonder how foreigners can shell out 3 billion dollars and Hoosiers not figuring
the return on the money the foreigners anticipate... those grandchildren will be
paying that bill. The grandchildren and Bambi, Bucky Beaver, etc etc.

7th house is a major card: JUSTICE. Picture this, I share is a prince of a fellow
holding a sword in one hand and the scales of justice in the othere. Robed, crowned, and sitting between pillars Mark Helprin or Tom Robbins or Russell Greenan could describe.
Is Everyone ready for this sharing? Breathe and say ahum, yes: It is time to restore or replenish something in the larger system of life.
Take toward society or the Earth the action that brings greater harmony. Oh Boy, Oh Joy.
Men and women partners in relationship, trust restored. Trees consulted. Rules of
decency and humanity applied by our leaderships. A Department of Peace. Long live
Scott Peck and his book THE DIFFERENT DRUM where he saw the challenges turning a
war economy into a peace economy. Dear Scott may you be of at least as great a service
to us from heaven.

8th house: I relate has a fellow above the fray that he is in. Overcome doubt by the self unbound. In other words release my own shackles.

9th house: I 've already mentioned this card. I see the pain. Shift my perspective and
see the goodness and grace that is here on EARTH. Let Go of fear, the memory of
hearts' pain.

10th house: I achieve: 2 of pentacles. The juggler, infinitely, dancing with ships
rolling on waves in the background. Messages, gaiety. 'Reflect on potential uses of resources.'
Sounds worthy of reflection. Reminding me of Shep Gellert giving me $ over time, later,
telling me it was to replace my tuition money stole by Monroe at Esalen. Had I known,
would I, who didn't own a car, have a massage table, a pot to piss in, would I have
spent it on bath oil and that fantastic cotton outfit ... Had I reflected on potential uses of
resources? Reflect. What can I do to contribute to the vision I have of a Just
and Graceful accessibility to harmony? Breathe and smile. Recycle. Waste not, Want not.
How about 'source reduction'... While in the Nederlands I was introducted to a 'hot-water-on-demand-faucet' The Nederlands do not have room in their houses or in their junkyards
for water heaters. I found the same thing in Brasil. Not that they need hot anything where I was--yet, a hot shower seems more cleansing. They sold these faucets in their supermercados, farmacias, and Walmart. Some as cheap as $15... wishing I'd bought some. Hey could I import 'hot-water-on-demand-faucets' and export can openers... for what they use to open cans had me avoid cans, as it was hard to avoid any juice from dribbling onto my hands and the kitchen counter and floor.

11th house : I know is the Magestic Sun a major card #19. A child ride on a white horse;
correction, a naked child rides on a white horse carrying an orange banner with
El Sol and Sunflowers in the background. I know a day like today. Glorious and gentle.

12th house: I Believe: the 7 of pentacles. Reap a bountiful harvest. Ingenuity.
ok. Good by me.
Picture a farmer leaning on his hoe as he surveys his coming crops. Resting.

To shift my perspective I walked the Monon Trail from 38th Street to a block south
of where Brigitte is buying another house. There were lots of people on the trail;
no rollerblades, but there were recumbents... those adult Big Wheels.
There is Wooley Lumber on a nearby corner and I began singing (to myself)
Wooley Booley.... Wooley Booley. I returned thinking this a new adventure.

Is AOK. Walking home I found a jack of diamonds on the ground. Messenger.
Not as fine as the King of Hearts I found in San Miguel de Allende, (little)GTO, Mexico.
alas. Rectitude. Interest. Utility, management and responsibility.
I returned in a better mood. And just in the nick of time as lightening announced the
coming rains.

old pages... 6-11-2001

Recieved EMF session from Linda Carter this AM.
Went to the Hermitage to read some of McKenna'
ARCHAIC REVIVAL/swept the back steps/cleared out closet
for files/arranged for an ad with NUVO/talked to Catholic.
Read 5+ year old morning pages/wrote some.
Called Ginny about a brain fart--changing my name
to Helen Ellen. Made appointment for another EMF--Friday.

Here at Hermitage the grass is newly mowed.
Made effort @ committement at being here in this new space.
Thought again -- reinforced by Rob -- volunteer @ nursing home. Talked with Michael
the helper at the Hermitage -- and he is the little boy who lived across the street
some 30 years ago when I was first married... the little boy across the street. Michael
was my first exposure to learning differently. His mom really went all out
to help this quiet child... got him a balance beam and trampoline to help
his left brain right brain work together. Brain Gym.
Took that class with my daughters when they were in school.
It helped me stay with the weeds in the yard all a day.
Helped me not be a.lazy, b. focused, c. not distracted.
Brain Gym.

Michael and I --
We talked about 'the fox, elves, fairies and little people about the property.

There are so many clues and my imagination
leaps @ gypsy tramp of high intellect -- traveling with him.

6-12... nuttin good to say about them so don't

pulled weeds from day lily bed.
got poison ivy.

EMF -- 1st Express honor for your history
gratitude for wisdom gained.
2nd Center in your core energy
an alignment of your connection to unlimited power
3rd Reach out in balance to potential reality
co-create consistently

The more you practice being the posture of a self-enabled human
The more self-enabled you become.

6-13
Cold spedulum morning. No infection otherwise AOK.
Long nap @ Hermitage, early lunch at India Garden.
Visited by two geese and 7 gooslings. Had a dream I don't remember.
Turned a table around when wanted a space occupied by a spider.

Indications I should stop what I am doing --
walk swim.

the only phone call thus far today answered hung up.
Surrender Dorothy.
Write the story June. No excuses , add the glimmer glamour
cantor of best for all concerned.

knowing when to give and when to receive.
1st EMF honor your history
expressing gratitude for wisdom
2nd Center in Core (present)
3rd Reach out in balance to potential reality.

There came a time for acknowledging how much love and healing came back because
there has been so much healing. thanks June

Martin Luther King Jr: 'Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered."

Driving to an EMf appointment I recalled being called a Warrior.
After the session Linda described an Indian Warrior (painting)
she has that she felt called to give me. More Stuff.

On a path? Oh Lord
Spirit Fire Earth Sea
Open my heart and enter me.

Invoke higher powers:
Maitreya, Jess, Buddha, Kali, Skakti, David, Melchizadek,
Kwan Yin, Sai Baba, Atma,
Angels of
Protection
Earth Wisdom
Prosperity
Enjoyment
Muses of Arts Music Letters spoken word,
Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Cheryl Diehl, Mary
Master Chang, Rama, Terrence McKenna, George Harrison,
Walt Disney, Albert Switzer, Martin, Robert and JOhn,
Allah, Bakman...
all my ancestors, the overlighting Devas of healing,
PLease go back to the beginning of this situation of my turning from Rob and
not listening nor participating in a re-creation of Love Healing Glory, a reformation, for the good of all...
In this situation I would very much require the helps and loving intervention of your loving
creative light and forgiveness from the point where all this originated and fill with light all bodies, all chakras,
all dimensions, all people, all places and bring
into present time the resolving of the situation.
Light fill all
mental
physical
emotional
causal
astral with forgiveness of every other physical
place and body with myself to present and future

And many thanks deep gratutude for your
energetic loving intervention in the situation.
thanks you thank you
p

as seen on television... from Oprah herself. Mr. Senior Bachelor

Dear Mr. Richard Roe;
Are you as juicy and salty as Caviar?
I was born in the heart of cornfields, Indianapolis,Indiana, in 1949.
I was President of the Math Club @ Arlington HighSchool for one week.
Then, I was energized by awakening hormones, and I became
cheerleader of the back seat of a '59 Chevy.
After a Beatles concert in'64 and as birthday present,
I gifted my virginity to my Canadian and John-Lennon sounding boyfriend.
We married in 1967 and moved to his birthplace, Halifax,N. S.
Soon thereafter we returned to Indianapolis where he enrolled at IUPUI a
and I returned to work for Ma Bell as long distance operator.
The woman who trained me told me the training to be a long distance operator
was developed by the people depicted in the movie CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN.
Maximum efficiency.
I was taught how to sit for 8 hours a day in 36 inches ofspace;
how to hold my pencil,
how to punch the phone numbers,
how to mark the punch cards,
how to answer the call.
With that much exercise I was walking up the 8 flights of stairs when arriving to work
and after lunch. I

left Ma Bell for better money at thePost Office.
I was the white girl on the 2nd floor.
From memorizing area codes to memorizing zip codes,
after all these years
all those have changed too.
After 5 years of marriage my hubby had his undergraduate degree.
I quit the Post Office to begin a family.
My fine son was born on Mother's Day, 1972.
A year and a half
later a lovely daughter was born.
In 1974The first house was purchased... it had been built by my great-grandmother's
sister and left to my mom.
It was full of family experiences, letters, momentos,
and kitchen gadgets I was entertained learning how to use... as I remembered
the 'ladies' making soap in the backyard,
listening to radio's Gillette's bell ringing in the prize fights on the radio and
smelling the men's cigars.
In 1975 a near death experience followed a surgery for a report of 'abnormal pap'.
My children were c-sections. Surgery was not what I relished.
I often call the NDE 'My God Bless and God Damn' the surgeon experience.
When I went to the 'light' It told me Icould stay or go back and I replied:
"I didn't have those children to leave them. I'll go back."
Then the 'light' told me I had to do something if Iwent back.
I didn't ask what? I said: "I'm yours, No Problem."
then the light told me 'it' was in my hands.
(Richard I didn't take this literally.)
I was taking street people in and feeding them.
Extending myself in many ways; imagining the bum in the alley as angel.
ok.Then I took a job for Hook Drugs in their smallest pharmacy in the state of Indiana.
We were in aprofessional building; you weren't going to buy liquor or comic books there.
My boss did a lot of compounding... cocaine for the eye, nose and throat doctors...
so lucky for me in an odd way for when cocaine went through my neighborhood as a recreational drug I knew it certainly wasn't what I had seen and worked with...
99.99% pure Merck Sharp and Dome.
In 77 my husband graduated from law school.
I was now married to a Doctor of Juris Prudence.
We celebrated by going to San Fransisco, (layover) Hawaii where snorkling affected my wonderlust and I wanted to go deeper, to learn scuba.
We then drove onto Halifax where the children were with their grandparents.
There we invested in a Cabin atop a small mountain of granite in St. Margaret's Bay
around the corner from Peggy's Cove.
In 1978 I had another beautiful baby girl.
It was at this time my desire to learn scuba diving fruited and
I got open water certification on GrandBahama Island.
The one time I scuba dived.
After that My time was spent fixing up a house to sell,
and looking for a house with a southern exposure, fireplace and basement
(I am from Indiana and there are tornados.)
I have a reputation for bread baking. I entered my bread in the state fair;
I didn't win but this did get me and three in for free ; - )
In Dec of 82 my husband was behind in taxes so I got a job.
I canvassed door-t- door to stop my light bill from going uP.
This was a facsinating group of mostly disenfrancished folks 'getting it together again'.
Everyday felt like a script in a movie.
It was fun, invigorating,and not so profitable.; -(
I had some successs peaking to folks... to the point they remembered me 6 months later
when I returned to their neighborhoods, they turned off their televisions,
they offered me tea.
I didn't realize my job as political. I was talkingabout the environment or economics.
Then I was invited to the State House for the vote on an economic issue which concerned building a nuclear power plant and that was that. I was one of those politicians?
In May of '83 my husband told me 'we got married too young and he wanted to marry somebody rich' -- (Ithought I was.)
He moved out Father's Day of '83.
My job depended on my being able to communicate with folks.
I was divorced on a Monday; unable to make sense -- fired on a Saturday.
I was an uncaged bird. Liberated. Everything hurt. Everywhere was memory.
When offered a position in New Hampshire I convincedmyself I was going toward something... not merely running away. When I got there I lost that job.
Finding myself at the New Hampshire Employement office the counselor saw
Hook Drugs on my application and exclaimed: "They called It ThaT?"
I'd notice a post for Mental Health worker at the New Hampshire StatePsychiatric Hospital
and applied.
A month long training as preparation to be on a ward -- I learned lots.
Encouraged by a head nurse to get my degree, she said:
"You have no superior here. If you get your degree I can pay you three times what I pay you."

I returned to Indy to stay with my mom while I used aPell Grant to return to school.
Coming home from a Raffi concert with my children a rain storm rapidly
became an ice storm and my car was totalled.
Instead of replacing that car I spent the money on a junker Pinto and got Rolfed.
My first massage in New Hamphsire... such profound stress relief. Such need to be touched. Rolfing was liberating. I had a letter-writing, fund-raiser and hitchhiked to Big Sur, California to go to the Esalen Institute for massage training.
Aromas in the coast air led me to question my great-grandmothers story of her grandparents going toCalifornia in a covered wagon and coming back.

I hadn't traveled around the world. At Esalen the world came to me. I had roommates from Norway, Hollywood, Germany, and Colorado. I worked in the kitchen with people from Brasil, Transylvania, England, and New York City. I studied with teachers from Italy, Israel, Brasil, California.
I soaked in hot tubs with visitors from Germany, Alaska, Peru, Japan, France,and Hollywood.

One night under the stars and in the hot tub I held hands with cosmonauts from the then U.S.S.R and sang (they knew the words!)LET PEACE BEGIN WITH ME.
I read every book I could get my hands on which was recommended reading in the Esalen catalog. JosephChilton Pierce, Frijof Capra, Gary Zukov come to mind. After January, February, and March the leadership at Esalen told me I knew all I needed to create a massage practice in Indianapolis.

I had no car, no massage table, no home, no phone (yes we have no bananas);
I had good will, excellent training, and three children who were my champions.
I massaged many of their friends. Massage wasn't 'work'; it had a flow to it.
Fight, Flight, Flow. I met a man whose response to to my 'work' was to immediately hire me to work on 5 people who worked for him. After working on his mother and her cancer disappeared his status as a Lilly Fellow put me in front of groups of teachers and teens from all over the state.

Massage was established as an honorableand viable profession in Indiana. I traveled to further massage training, to stay'fresh', to become more articulate. When asked to describe my massage I would quote Einstein:"Information without experience is meaningless" I have taken my massage to Brazil, Colombia, England, Mexico, Canada and all over the states. Currently I have three grown children and 5 grandchildren.
I have had lovely, active, intelligent lovers along my journey.
Especially an evening in Bodega Bay when I met a cyclist in a hot tub who exclaimed when I mentioned being a grandmother: "How old are you?"
I replied: "I was 23 when I had him and he's 23 now."
I then massaged his most gorgeous legs and butt (even the little pimple on his left butt cheek) That incredible night after the massage when I went to hug him good-bye and he grabbed me saying: "I've gotta see 'them'."
One minute I am pushing him away and the next I am atop him.
Wow. Quick. Then he asked if I had a rubber andI jumped up and said: "Yippee!"
Ran from his room to mine to get 2 rubbers. Returned for what I can only describe as a scene from the movie GREAT BALLS OFFIRE.
For I recall feeling like Winona Ryder looked in that movie when she lost her virginity.
I wondered if I could accommadate his penis and then happily felt a perfect fit.

Pan laughted with glee, lit up the room while Gods and Divine Intelligence pleased they brought us together... The room filled up with splendid sparkles. I didn't get his name, I am inclined from so many little clues to believe it was Tom Robbins who a year or so before I had 'raised a cone of power'
f or my favorite living writer to send him some love and healing.
I didn't get his address or phone number.
I did give him mine and waited and waited and waited for years to hear from him ... imagine my disappointment when the cookies I sent him forChristmas that year of '95 were returned only to be eaten by the squirrles wiggling their tails on the porch.
I have since read Robbins friend Robert Anton Wilson and read the number 23 as some sort of magical code.That was 10 years ago this October, I have taken other lovers since then hoping some other man match that satisfaction of desire.
Now. I offer myself as ready and willing to learn about You and more of this world.
I have had many lovers... The fellow who did my rolfing,
I consider an artist among bodyworkers. He let me chase him until the ethics of being involved with a client was a moot point.
I have had several ask for my hand in the most off-hand manner it was off-putting.
None, however offered, and with such eloquence, travel.
Traveling with a man who will share with me what he's learned;
navigate through culturss and tastes smells-- see & feel with someone.
Your excellent invitation has inspired me to offer this minor biography...

The crabapple tree polka dots the sidewalk.

The build up of arms in Watson-McCord neighborhood is sweet! Michael, my across the street neighbor has a glorious and prolific crabapple tree. He told me I could take all the crabapples I needed for making crabapple jelly.

Gordon Lightfoot has a line in his Wild Strawberry album:
'Deep as the sea and as wild as the weatherWe will go just you and me to gather crabapples together.'

Alone I may be, yet across the street stands a Crabapple tree.
I look at the rain-threatening skies and forego the idea of carrying the aluminum ladder across the street to reach crabapples.
I was standing on a green plastic chair, to reach the crabapples, when Michael, my next door neighbor, drove up in his truck and offered to park it in the driveway under the crabapple branches. Climbing into his truck and standing on the plywood-covered bed, I was now above some of the branches and the work was much easier then reaching overhead. With my right hand, I used a pruning shear to cut the stems of the crabapples allowing gravity to place the crabapples in the big plastic colander I held in my left hand. Now. I have a sink full of crabapples. The next step is cutting the stems and flowers off each little crabapple. This being my third batch of Crabapple Jelly; my arms remember the job. I am building my arms sans gym. I will leave that 'cutting each stem and each flower from each little hard crabapple' chore for later. I hope to sharpen my knife and/or learn the magic formula which will make that job easier. Rush hour traffic is over and the sun is no longer blazing overhead so I take the
red convertible to the grocery for pounds of sugar. The line of grey-haired wrinkled old-timers knows the words to a Diana Ross and the Supremes song playing overhead. We smile and acknowledge Motown's influence on our romantic hearts. I am playing, encouraging swaying in the line
when a gal who was over-heated and really looking forward to a coke the outside vending machine didn't deliver, came inside to yell at management with a vehemence in a vitriolic voice that was felt throughout the little grocery. I paid my bill and left the store. In my path, Storming Norma was clicking her seat belt and had her window down.
I leaned over and said: "You sound crabby. I just made some crabapple jelly, follow me for crabapple jelly; it may keep you from a jam." She laughed. Could crabapple jelly become a homepathic sweet to sweeten the inner 'crabby'? Pick, clean, boil, mash, strain, add sugar, boil again put into clean jars.
Take when feeling crabby. Don't get into a Jam cause yer crabby! Employ Enjoy Crabapple Jelly. Eat Crabapple Jelly and don't get in a Jam! June Ellen Noble http://www.geocities.com/junenoble.geo/
From Dr. Edward Bach's Original Flower Essences: The positive potential of Crab apple is acceptance of oneself and of other people's imperfections. Positive Crab Apple people are broadminded and able to control their thoughts and deal with their difficulties.

SOX/SOCKS

My Daddy was born just in time for the Depression. Summer of 1929.
Daddy's humor was like the waxing and waning of his ruling Moon. Expansive and depressive.
Told us one winter the only meat he had was the oppossum that tasted so badhe threw it down the outhouse hole.
His family dissolved during the Depression and was farmed out to work for whomever could feed him. He dreamed of what a family would be with dinners on the table and a dog. This dreaming made him a diligent parent. Parenting which meant a meal and a dog. We always had a dog.

He grew up when Jews were roasted in ovens and
Japs were melded to concrete walls.
What kind of world is this? He joined the Marines. He married at 18 and by the time he was 23 he had four children. He left the Marines. I am the oldest. I had 2 brothers and a sister. He fretted about how he could keep us, his children safe in a world where Jews were roasted in ovens and Japs were melded to concrete walls.

One day he called us together.
He had something to tell us.
"Don't sleep with your sox on".
My sister asked
"Why?"

"Because your feet will fall off."

I think this is because of Herb Smock's brother who was the tallest man in Indiana.
Tom Smock was so tall if he bent over to take off his sox he would get dizzy.
Tom Smock was so tall that he couldn't see, reach or feel his feet.
Tom Smock got a cut on his foot, the cut got infected and Tom didn't know
until the infection got to his private parts... then he went to the doctor.
Too late. Tom Smock wore his sox to bed now he's dead.

When I was 36 I returned to college. I walked miles to the bus which drove miles to the downtown campus... all the while
wearing a backpack holding books one of which costs more than taking
my three children out for lobster dinner. One day I was so tired I fell asleep with my sox on.
I woke up in a panic. I slept in my sox!
I took off my sox and my foot looked ok. My toes all wiggled.
I called my children together and told them:
"I slept in my sox. I have some unlearning to do."

Berry street off Julian Avenue...
or why I ask for a beebee gun for Christmas.

SQUIRRELS
Occasionally & frugally I 'squirrel-talk' to them varmit rodents.
Sucking my tongue from the top and side of my mouth.
shifting my lips to change emphasis.
Moving my tongue around inside my mouth.
Broadcasting on W-NUT (or west of the Mississippi K-NUT)

NO. I haven't managed to stop the squirrels.
However, when I found them digging up the arugala, I went to
the earth store and got the extra hot cayenne.
the clerk asked me if I was getting it for animals.
He told me the only folks who used the extra hot cayenne in any quantity
were planning on keeping animals out of their gardens... he also told
me the extra hot cayenne didn't hurt the birds. There have been times I consider
the engagement with the squirrels not beneficial to anyone. I may begin
feeding them by tossing seed over into the neighbors yard.
He can't see it anyway. He has a minor forest bordering the yards.
Besides that he is in Europe most of the year.

1953
I am 4 years old...
my father is carrying on a 'conversation' with the squirrels
while he is throwing railroad flares into the cistern to 'scare'
mommy's supposed rats. A cool yard with an acorn tree.
The squirrels are agitated and honest -- they are throwing nuts at him!
that's one thing I recall
about the little house on Berry Street.
Besides 'planting' my aunt's gift of a tourquise and silver bracelet from her Arizona visit.
I planted it to grow a tourquise and silver tree. oops.
Just one of the many things my mother had to surrendar when
4 kids in 5 years were keeping her busy elsewhere.

A neighbor told me to plant the lilies and tulips
under chicken wire. that would keep them out. now to buy chicken wire and
wire cutters... not on my budget ... at this time

Also want to report about the WishYard hospital experience -- last year.

2006
I received a bill recently, for that damn dumb involuntary incarceration.
So I wrote them this letter.

TAKE BACK THE BILL YOU GAVE TO ME:

I understand. I understand lots. I heard the Hudson Institute was
given Hilary Clinton's health care proposal and told to find the holes
in it -- to shoot it down. I heard they couldn't find holes in it
so 'they' went after Hilary (easy)
ok. My story is my own fault. And the absolute arrogance of medical intern
'students' who treat their folks very object-like.

Brigitte told me:
"June when I was really feeling down I tried Zoloft. Everything was the same but I just didn't give a damn. Maybe you can try Zoloft. Go to Wishard and get a script."

I don't really want any pharmaceuticals. But maybe I could get out of the rut.
Not care. It's alright to BE. Just BE.

So I went to the county hospital for the 'don't give a damn drug' Zoloft.
Tide me over. I was safe. Relax me enough to cry and get it out.

With $8 for the script and the garage; and Shari coming over tonight at 5 P.M.
I drove to WishYard. I learned I need verification to be eligible for the program
reserved for those of us without insurance and/or money.
I'd had the Wishard Advantage Insurance before my travels. I needed to get it again.
I drove to the office that would certify me. When I finally got back; they were ready for me.
I wasn't surprised to learn procedures included talking to a doctor;
but this medication required speaking to a psychiatrist.

I am well versed in the mental health arena. 1976,
My 22 year old brother thirty years ago left a beautiful suicide note.
The note left was his ticket toward our forgiving him as easily as we missed him.
A good friend called me up to console me with these words: "June, I have read enough Fyodor Dostoyevsky to believe suicide is a viable alternative." I'd read that much Dostoyevsky too.

My brother had been in Central State as well as every other mental health
facility in Central Indiana. When I step into Wishard to speak with a psychiatrist,
I recall being uncomfortable being in Central State to see my baby brother David.
I recall taking David to see Indiana Repertory Theatres' production of ONE FLEW OVER THE COOCOOS NEST for his birthday New Years Eve, 1975.
He loved the show and said to me: "That says it all. I have nothing to write.
The play is my experience. (AND.) Jack Nicholoson should play the role in the movie."

I was glad he liked the play. That he didn't take offense at my offering him this ticket after his being in LaRue Carter; I didn't visit there after my visit to
Central State. I was very uncomfortable at Central State.


Wish Yard: April 2005
(First mistake) I follow behind the young man who steers me through a doorway and into a hallway to another seat outside an office. I said: "I'm here for the anti-depressant, Zoloft, I won't kill myself, although I do know suicide as a viable alternative." The fellow leaves me there. Sitting. He comes back and wants me to wait for the shrink. "O.K." I have $3 for the garage. It takes a long time for two 'doctors' to arrive. They introduce themselves and I acknowledge how young they are.
(Second mistake) "Doctor younger than me? You know lots young man but not as much as me." (possibly insulting the young overworked doctor in the county welfare hospital.)

They were asking me stupid questions. They asked me if I had magic powers, ????...
I react. My reply I won't repeat here.
I want to go. Get the car out of the garage and be back for Shari's visit.
They won't let me go.

THE RANSOM OF RED CHIEF
When they told me they were locking me up... of course I considered how fat
the security guards were and how fast I could run and how far through the hospital and
across the street and up to the fourth level of the parking garage.
A wolf will chew off his foot rather than be caught in a trap.

I resisted resisting. Yield. Tao. Go with the flow, and goody for me.
I had a tablet with me (knowing hospitals and doctors as places gifting lots of waiting time... while looking for a blank sheet of paper I came across this:
'Perhaps when you have neither pride nor power than you are saved and brought to an unimaginable great Reward.' I am Willing!

"Using words to plead your case is risky business: Words are dangerous instruments, and often go astray. The words people use to persuade us virtually invite us to reflect on them with words of our own; we mull them over, and often end up believing the opposite of what they say. (That is part of our perverse nature.) It also happens that words offend us, stirring up associations unintended by the speaker.
Understand: words put you on the defensive. If you have to explain yourself your power is already in question. Words stir up arguments and divisions." *

*from Robert Green, The 48 Laws of POWER p.313

Thank God for the New Hampshire training. I was scared enough. I am not
evolved enough to slow my heart beat in this surprising calamity.

I did myself no good pointing out to the on-call shrink he didn't make eye contact with me
nor EVEN acknowledge me. I did myself no good by suggesting the other shrink
had a posture lacking trust... he was not in his body with his head projected so far forward.
I did myself no good by suggesting the place which has no window, view or
access to nature was neither therapeutic for doctors, staff or healing for the patients.
I did myself no good by pointing out a 'client/patient' Jeff was given an IV for injection and someone 'missed' -- pumping his left arm three times the size of his right arm.

I sat there in that stinking place in the two hospital gowns they allowed me to wear remembering how folks were encouraged to care about how they looked in New Hampshire State Hospital. There are no mirrors in Indy's westside establishment... just foggy metal which in my mind reflects back the FOG a mental health care facility would like to diminish.

I wound up spending the night. Yes. Thank god for the New Hampshire
State Hospital training.
The employment office had a posting for a mental health worker at the State Hospital, remembering my brother, and, here was a chance to be inside, learn and perhaps help
someone like my brother.

We trained for a month to be able to walk on the ward. This included a solid
week, 8-5, of S.O.L.V.E.: Strategies of Limiting Violent Episodes. How to defend yourself without hurting anyone. This was helpful for the patient injury
and worker compensation part of running a hospital. Solve evolved from the
martial art AKIDO which translates: 'the way of universal harmony'.
I was awed by New Hampshire making this investment in me. They paid me to learn.

I was scared on the ward for weeks after my training. I learned a lot about energy in that environment. How was it I was so tired at night? Most of the
people on my ward were not in their bodies. You would be talking with them
and their attention/energy was behind you. Very unnerving.
Most of the people on my ward had epilepsy, had hepatitis, and my folks were
developmentally disabled as well.

The night in WishYard had me remembering the folks I was paid to take care of and came to care for: the fragile x syndrome man (a leg of the x chromosome was broken), Rachel who had three (or four) lobotomies by the time she was 15 to curb her violence. She carried hepatitis and was a biter. They removed her teeth. The stitches got infected and she had to have
her jaw removed... she could pull her bottom lip over her nose.
Rachel came at me one day on a charge down a long hallway and I fell down;
to watch her attacking energy turn into helping me.
Donna Piranha however, when she charged I waited till the last minute to move
and let her hit the wall; and watch her energy shift to the bump on her own head.
There was little Henry, my instructions were to watch he didn't pick at his rectum as he had
already pulled his own tonsils out.
He had walked his father home from work when he was a boy...
his dad left work because he had fallen into a vat of acid.
Henry had watched his dad dissolve before his eyes.
A lovely lass, Sylvia had congenital syphilis.
Sometimes she knew where she was and other times she knew where she wasn't.
My goodness Joanie: "I don't lie."
Lord. Or Janie, I didn't know her diagnosis; she was called fish fingers.
There was Fritz, a merchant marine who found his way to New Hampshire via the
St. Lawrence Seaway; he talked non-stop in English, French and Arabic.
Big Tommie needed to be kept away from cigarette butts -- he would eat them.

(In those days (1984) Everybody smoked. Nurses, doctors, staff and patients.) There was Hazel a wildish woman who had been institutionalized by the signature of a friendly to the husband sheriff and judge for sleeping with a black man -- her tardive dyskinesia resulted from the years of thorazine.
I took care of little Jeanne whose vagina had been probed by every GYN in New England because she didn't have one.
Wilma a co-worker had worked on the ward for 29 years.
I sat next to Jeanne the day she said, "Hi Wilma,". Wilma hesitated, open-mouthed then said: "Jeanne, I didn't know you could talk." Jeanne laughed and said: "Of course I can talk."
29 years and Wilma hadn't thought to say 'good morning' to Jeanne.

And the fellow I was to keep from the water fountain. Why? You may ask. He would fill up with water and projectile vomit on whomever he had a grievance with.

Hospital policies had been affected by the conscientious objectors to Viet Nam. A few I recall: clients should pick what they wear and be encouraged to look nice. They should have some stimulation, games, music, art and interaction.

When I returned to Indiana, I didn't apply for the same job. One of my friends here had worked at Central State for 14 years and wasn't making what I'd made the first year. There was no Solve training. In New Hampshire I knew if there was a difficult sitation there were signals for help, methods of not over-reacting... nor instigating a situation -- bruhaha.

I have had severe allergic reactions to many drugs. My near death experience was after my third surgery; and the nurse told me to stop talking like that or I'd wind up in a psychiatrict hospital. Well, shut my mouth.
(I'd told the doctor 'god healed me'. After he told me there was no way I could stand up if I had lost as much blood as I told him. Not one for cleaning up a mess after that dredful D&C... I had bled into the toilet and
didn't collect the blood. I was changed however. And I believe Dr. Shanafelt was asked to stop practicing. After all many of his patients were wives of law students.
One reason for the formation of
THE INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF NEAR DEATH SURVIVORS
is the fact that so many folks were not understood and institutionalized... with the awful effects of drugs. Most of us are highly allergic when we 'return'.

Alright. I don't have the money dear Wishyard for this bill
and would object if I had regarding getting a bill for that miserable night. The food was dreadful. The environment was challenging for someone who isn't out of her mind.
Imagine getting a foothold on the real world in that place. '
Hey they are nuts so it doesn't matter?'

I went to WishYard for the don't give a damn drug; but I do give a damn.
I very much give a damn. I even give a damn that Wishard doesn't have the money to
provide mirrors in the psych ward or a window. I even give a damn that so many of us do not take responsibility for our own health.

I am pleased to report: Wishard Called me to apologize and tell me my bill was ZERO
I had imagined them asking me to come in and show the staff how to Be with
folks who are in such dire straights they will come to that environment for
help?

I have suffered lots from the medical care I have received. When I had good insurance I had 5 surgeries before I was thirty. Since I no longer have insurance, no one wants to 'repair' me.

I believe my NDE surgery was unnecessary and a way for the doctor to pay for a Bermuda vacation.
I call it my god bless and god damn the surgeon experience.
Although my life may have been saved by being in a hospital with the birth of my first child.
(I have one acquaintence who had 8 c-sections... another gal who had 2 c-sections and went on to have three vaginal births after c-section--VBAC)

I wouldn't trade what I learned from that experience. I told my Yogi friend I imagine her
addict boyfriend had a foresip birth... he resembles others I have known with that
horrible entrance into this world, their first 'lesson'.

Dr. Stan Grof could speak for hours convincingly of the patterns of birthing
influencing our lives... linking the drugs mothers have had since the WW2
(when we began having our babies in hospitals) linking the first lesson--
under stress ? take a drug. with our national drug problem.
Yeah mama mia... talk about what You went through... that baby had to squeeze
into this light.
and here is another example of the abuse of the population:

Dear Friends:Here is an article about autism that was just released by theAssociated Press.
The point is made that "Hispanics had lower autismrates, though it's possible that may be related to health-care access problems," implying that their cases of autism are not being diagnosed and are affecting the rates. My slant is that it is the OPPOSITE!!!
The fact that there are so many Hispanics who may not be getting"proper" health care may be saving them as they are not getting certain vaccinations that are linked to CAUSING this illness!! Whydoesn't anyone else see this? Read below.HowardNew Autism Estimate Is 5.5 Out of 1,000go to:http://www.associatedpress.com/

I look at want ads seeing sales jobs yes I am a Gemini and sales in the past was best with an intangible product... knocking on doors asking for help to prevent a now defunct nuke plant. Economic, environmental, mostly economic. I didn't want to pay for it and certainly didn't want my children's children's children to pay for it.
I hadn't a clue it was a political job until I went to the Statehouse here in Indy to watch the legislature vote the proposal for 'construction work in progress' down.
All I knew was the light bill already biting me and the utility was the best investment for stock dividends in the country.
This message is brought to you after reading the chairperson of the Roads and Transportation here in Indy would't vote out of committee a proposal to fine cell phone users $25 for using the phone while driving...
she is quoted as saying it was "unfair to single the phone users for the bigger picture was distractibility". LAME BLAME Lame... I feel a little step back.
Sometimes I do want to babysit the elected officials.

Dogs barking and a couple arguing on the snow covered street. oh joy where is the sun? Just finished a fairy tale. The queen died. Making the intangilbe manifest. Did dat. a dream of massage in Indy visible viable, accessible and acceptible. and now to move on...
Hoping while 'they' (the new massage folks) intend healing work we/they become healed.

Love the story. Told in meditation I was to do massage as a way of touching people one at a time. Be grounded (the hope of the Gem.) Did have a client once tell me he didn't want any of the heightened awareness stuff.... later learned he was a crack addict.

Do you mind if I write a diary to you.

I did wake remembering the rhythms of the sea are in me. in me. in me.

Think of a tall man with a little butt beginning to succumb to gravity... like my big butt.
So attempt some yoga today.
Long long time ago first yoga class
I had to touch the earth and shrink to get into the car (my ol Firebird)
and return to the world of my responsibilities.
Hope to get into a pals hot tub first to warm the joints.
Haven't manifested my world again, or yet,
a favorite jazz piece is 'pick up the pieces' (peaces)
and the inner mouse has scrutiny neglecting the
tall man with halo attracting cardinals, hawks, egrets, ituiru,
after the intro lecture using chakra meditation
I enjoyed leaving the house and the birds outside on the walk not noticing me,
I walked around them like Snow White.
Hardly a Virgin;
eating Cheeries won't bring it back.
Love Cheeries like birds love cheeries.
Fell from a red ribboned cheery tree once shared with the birds.
Strawberry fields forever.
The train whistles sprinkling some moans on the snow covered road.
And bird tweet, the weather bouncy and folks sneezing and coughing.
Still the bird tweets. And the train carries frieght into the distance.
The bird insists Spring Spring.
Spring off this seat stretch your body, open the mind, drive to exercise, seek companions, interact, share, receive, inform, receive. The cobbler comes. As you wish.

aha
in '94 I was at the bookstore buying Ishmael after many massages
gave away at least 40 maybe more.
loved the book
without gorilla where is man?
love the book
leavers and takers
finished a Helprin book and the antagonist characters named
Tookisheims. loved it.
I had the strange response once in the Sedona hills
to a gentleman
well after I picked up a piece of lapis
Lloyd told me he knew where I could pick up 'chunks of that as big as your fist'
and I told him... it is nice just knowing it is here. I didn't feel like disturbing it....
then again it may have been a case of
not 'doing' with a 'gift'
cause somebody else will. or it may have been after
considering oil as the earth's blood
and yes, I seem to recall thinking of it as a scab that didn't want picking
a remedy for wounds.
I think it was near Jerome which offered the best and to my mind the only
way to serve wieners... grilled!
phoooey to the hot water boil
ok. Ishamael,
the next month I was entering the jungle of Tikal, Guatemala
w/ folks who actually asked aloud if the monkeys knew we were there
and I in my impatience left the group to get lost with giant ant hills
and decaying orchads.
and the lalpis necklace I bought later I gifted to a little girl with
so many physical problems if ever I think on the necklace
I bless heaven for she would surely be better off there by now.
thanks for your response. I am at another friends on the river now.
The yoga class a no go for me this week.
I will try again. when the instructor who emailed me I could stretch with her class for free
w/o fee is free to escort me beyond the moneycharger.
nice colors Debbie has in this room facing the muddy waters moving beyond the windows
eggshell blue. Sing a song even in your heart. love june

I was headed toward rainforest.com. Rainforest.com sponsored by
Florist around the world allows one click toward an award
of buying some space of the rainforest for conservation.
Inch by Inch. Hectare by hectare.

When. Then
I was called to say to every audience to go to the Indiana State House
venture to the Department of Resources and peak through the archives
which have pictures of Indiana from before I remember when.
It's awesome the trees felled -- once upon a time.

I plant stevia today and two need to be planted together
for communion, communication, energy, community... even the trees please
employ fellowship.

Then check out Dr. Valerie Hunt's book INFINITE MIND and take in the chapter
for energy fields of trees having an ability to learn to heal disease by other trees'
energy fields relaying information regarding what works and what doesn't?
Maybe those Ash trees here in Indiana should be allowed to feed that damn
borer ... or is it a lesson for us two-leggeds to not diminish & devestate our food supply.
Like that awesome Kenyan Mango tree hosting so much life... see PBS

Morningside on Colby Blvd around the corner from Trader Joe's,
here in Indianapolis, is an assisted living center
of lovely people. There is where my friend and teacher,
my spirited supporter Joyce lives. I missed a group meeting
Saturday due to a seriously congested sinus cavity... The below is
last Saturday's discussion transcribed.


The most creative power given to human spirit is the power to heal the
wounds of a past it cannot change.
We do our forgiving alone inside our hearts and minds.
What happens to the people we forgive depends on them.
The first person to benefit from Forgiving is the onewho does it.
Forgiving happens in 3 stages.
We rediscover the humanity of the person who wronged us,
we surrender the humanity of the person who wronged us,
we surrender our right to get even and we wish that person well
We forgive people only for what they do, never for what they are!

We forgive people only for wounding and wronging us; do not forgive
people for things we do not blame them for --

I cannot forgive a wrong unless I first blame the person who wronged me.

Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound,
the longer the journey.

Forgiving does not require us to reunite with the person who broke our trust.
We do not forgive because we are supposed to; we forgive when we are ready to be
healed.

Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surender our future to the person
who wronged us.

Forgiving is not a way to avoid pain, is to Heal pain.

Forgiving someone who breaks a trust does not mean that we give him his job back.
Forgiving is a way to be fair to ourselves.

Forgivers are not doormats; to forgive a person is not a signal that we are
willing to put up with what he does.

We do not excuse the person we forgive,
Forgiving is essential; talking about it is optional.

When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover
that the prisoner we set free is US

When we forgive we walk to stride with the forgiving God and Goddess.

The Lord is slow to anger
Forgive the transgression but by no means clearing the guilty.

I have been loved. I have been kissed and touched and tasted and seen
happily easily I share the pleasant thoughts come by wind and water
in twilight and firelight and fireflies
and get to put my hands in the dirt
planting this day some St Johns Wort
yellow flowers and well drained soil. Today is the new moon for those
feelings of despair ('the saint johns wort remember?... natures a little something for
the feelings of powerlessness, how deep a depression. I will plant the St John's Wort for the new moon. anchor the intent of space to shift change with the moon.
These arms reach all the way to there and beyond. Reach.)
keep smiling. shape-shift My perspective. Enjoy. It's not all about me.

my eyes
recognize the right to feel,
the fight to heal.
I have been touched and
cradled by such fine souls seeking their wounds to heal. I have been willing, eager, forlorn.
I have been happy. A state of forlornless. Si. Is it enough?
desire is big as the cosmos, connection, acceptance, sharing, learning. Is this all there is?
(Charmed by Peggy Lee's song including the fire from my eleventh year. Now smilingly
titled: my parents were so passionate the house burned down. Going home that morning
and there was none;

during rainy season it took me two weeks to see the sky.
those are clouds I thought. while I was out in the country away from city lights
I checked for shooting stars to make wishes
at a loss for what to wish for... is peaceful and lovely and I learned some stuff
suppose. how to pee on the ground rather than chance the
speed bumps on the uphill path to the outhouse.
(sawdust toilet)
it took two weeks for me to see the clouds in the sky were the
same clouds every night ... The Milky Way.
I did see two shooting stars and left the wishes buried in my soul
I made a wish finally on another shooting star... which turned out to be
A Bugs Butt. wishing on fireflies

This day I breathe in memories of San Miguel de Allende and
all the wonderful, exasperating, generous, spiritual and creative
folks residing there; many I met while at the IRON HOUSE HOSTEL.
Matthew was one. During the week many worked on an organic farm, they
came to town several times a month to shower, party, be in a bed, -- an ethics exposure -- building with organic materials -- cow dung and mud
made buildings and bridges. I enjoyed them.


this poem from a 26 year old red headed
Newfoundlander living in a tent learning
organic farming and building plastic bag dirt houses.
Mr. Matthew Cook

Ashes

In an attempt to smother a great fire
they imprisoned her.

10 years.

The sentence for having conviction.

They starved her of ink,
and paper,
And smother she did.

Yet ashes were her strength.

With matchsticks and cigarette papers,
she held onto sanity,
by smuggling these prayers
beyond their boundaries.

for 10 years

Never published,
the words were never trapped between some elses covers

They floated out of prison walls,
to dance their way across the wind.
Like ashes do.
***************

least I forget the three days no one was at Iron House;
Ricardo was visiting his friends in Texas. I was sick.
I didn't move for three days. On the third day I walked three blocks to the
doctor. The fellow I was seeing, kissing, loving being with
was not around at the time and he wrote me perhaps I had thyphoid... he had
learned of five folks who had gotten it. ... oh dear. I have a life of
being self-innoculated against a mountain range of discomforts.
Not that I am invincible. Hardly. This fellow turned me into a nun.
I don't want to be kissed unless it's this truly unexplainable man.
who inspired this response to his 'concern'

compared to Alice steppin into the honeybunney trail
and then falling through that hole
the steppin is stickin
the fallin is ballin
the rainy season in SMA is right on TIME

saw a movie bout IRA
simply Irish... have another beer.
little yeastie boys
and then along came the name of McDermott
and had I a penis It would have become a mast... mask. blast.
should I quiet down or emerge the clown just dont shot me down.